Archive for May, 2006
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” No, I don’t,” I said. He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit?”
May 13th, 2006
May 13th, 2006
A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot. A sign on the cage said $50.00. “Why so little,” she asked the pet storeowner.
The owner looked at her and said, “This bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, set the bird’s cage in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith.”
May 13th, 2006
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn’t, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill’s house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”
With a lump in her throat Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500″.
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
May 13th, 2006
May 13th, 2006
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
“Oh my GOD!!” screamed the woman, “That’s disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??”
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, “I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least 5 times a day he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”
“Oh well, in that case, I guess it’s OK,” commented the woman. In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?”
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, “Same illness, better health plan.”
May 13th, 2006
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